"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" Lewis Carroll.

My New Year's resolution is to be a better person. To be nice to everyone, no exceptions, except Ellen, but I can't help that. Recently I've realized that I'm . . . not very nice. I'm horrible to Bobby and Willow sometimes, if I'm in a bad mood I take it out on everyone around me, and that's not fair. Oh, yes, I want to write this down because otherwise I might forget, and I don't want to. A few weeks ago I was sitting in Costa in the Guildford Spectrum because Bobby and Willow had a swimming lesson. I was wearing skinny jeans, a big jumper and no make up and I was in a bad mood. I was just reading (Plague by Michael Grant) and there was a group of boys who I guess were there for a party or something, and one of them kept looking over at me, he looked maybe 12-13, dark hair, brown eyes, slightly dark skin but only slightly, and as they were walking past my table he put a bag of sweets on the table right in front of me then walked away without saying anything. Bizarre, but really, really sweet. He really brightened my day, I was in a much better mood for the rest of the day, and it kind of reminded me that, yes there are horrible, cruel, mean people in the world, but there are also kind people, and I want to be in the second category, I want to be a good person. I want to be someone who when you see them you can't keep a smile off your face. I want to be the kind of person who you can tell anything, without having to worry that they would judge you, or tease you, or tell other people. I want to be good.

And my fresh start for my new personality is this: I'm cutting my hair and donating it to the Little Princess Trust, who make hairpieces for children who have lost or are losing their hair due to cancer. I got the idea from Dianna Agron, who cut off 10 inches of her hair and donated it to the American equivilant; Locks of Love. And I'm getting my hair cut like hers, which is a bit pathetic, but who cares? If people want to judge me let them. I like her hair, I really like her, I love Glee, and I'm not ashamed.

Things are . . . hard at the moment. Really hard. Alex is depressed, and I'm worried about her. Bobby is getting even more hormonal and over-emotional, if I say one wrong thing it can just set her off. Willow is getting quite upset and closed off. She's really close to Bobby and this is hard for her. I love them so much, more than pretty much anyone, it's making me want to cry just thinking about it. I've been through what they're going through, and it changed me so much. Bobby's terrified. She's terrified of changing, because she saw me going through puberty and becoming grumpy and sour and mean. I'm a terrible big sister. I've failed them in so many ways. I've made them feel like there's no other way than the way I've shown them. I've screwed up so badly. Just because I'm feeling angry or upset I take it out on them. Push them away. I feel so angry all the time. I'm either angry or tired or feeling like I might burst into tears at any second. I can feel myself sort of drifting away from people, and I don't want to, but I can't figure out how to stop it. Mum thinks I should get some time away. Go stay with someone for a while. I'm thinking Auntie Sophie and Kyle or maybe Nanny. I need to sort out my head. I'm a mess.

Well, this has been a cheerful one.